Explosions
by panicpeachpit
Summary: *Multi-chapter fanfiction. A deadly fire at a flat turns even more deadly when Cal gets involved. When a tragedy strikes, how will Ethan cope with the loss of his big brother? TW: Death. Please review if you have a spare moment!*
1. All I've Got Left

_Hello everyone! This is my first fanfiction, obviously centered around Cal and Ethan. I'm not going to give it all away already, but basically Cal is out on a shout with Iain and things turn a little bit sour. I warn you, there is a lot of sad bits._ _ **TW death.**_

 _Anyway, on with the story! I hope it's enjoyed and I've not done too much of a bad job._

 **Chapter 1) All I've got**

I stared upwards at the block of flats, watching as the flames grew. The firefighters were doing all they could to put out the fire, but they couldn't get too close. Curtains were caught alight, thick ash flew out of the doors, and screams of onlookers added to the scene. Iain and I exchanged worried glances.

"There's nobody else in there, you don't think?" Iain spoke nervously, running a gloved hand through his thick brown hair as something else inside the building exploded.

"I bloody hope not," I retorted. A man suddenly screeching with anger came running toward us.

"My daughter's in there! Please! You're paramedics, do something!" The man yelled, tears streaming down his ash-covered face. I gave Iain a look of urgency.

"Whereabouts?" I asked quickly.

"I dunno, the stairwell? Please, save her! She's all I've got!" The man cried. The words sparked something inside me.

My safety net. He's all I've got. Yeah, Cal thought, I'm definitely saving her.

"No, don't even think about it- CAL!" Iain screamed over to me when I began running toward the building with a rag of fabric wrapped around my face. People tried to pull me back with their warnings about a loose electricity cable but I never listened. I stormed past them and rushed into the building.

It was like I had just entered hell.

Everything seemed to be on fire, burnt possessions strewn across the floor. The carpet was covered in footprints and ash, while the walls were black. I heard a blood-curdling scream coming from the staircase and spotted a girl coughing and spluttering. She looked worse than the building itself, covered in burns and her hair stuck to her head. I was over there in an instant, handing her the rag which she held over her mouth gratefully. The girl was only about ten years old, so I held her in my arms protectively and sheltered her from the thick air. I was met by a team of firefighters, who helped unload her onto a trolley inside the building.

Then, all of a sudden, there was a horrendous noise.

The crackling of an electricity cable, sparking with fury. I felt myself panic, but stroked the girl's tear stained face and did my best to smile.

"You're going to be fine, okay? Daddy's outside waiting for you!" I reassured her. They all flooded out of the building, leaving me standing in the doorway smiling. Iain looked like he was in pieces, but let out a relieved breath when he saw me.

"I'm alright!" I called over smugly, laughing a little. I began to walk out of the building when I suddenly heard something inside the flat make a loud noise. Everything happened at once. The crew was running away from the building, screaming after me to follow. I was glued to the spot, turning to see a large orange flame inside the flat.

It exploded.

I was thrown back onto the pavement outside, my legs sprawled open at an unnatural angle and my arms spread. Iain rushed over with his team of paramedics.

I feel dizzy, disorientated. Like I've had a drink too many. Everybody's faces are painted with undiluted horror, clearly fearing the worst. How bad am I? By the looks I'm getting given, I'd say very bad. Oh, here comes the pain. All I can taste is blood inside my mouth. It's horrible, I need to spit it out but I can't move. They've got me to the ambulance now, but there's no point. I can feel myself falling to sleep. The doctor part of me knows to stay awake, but I really can't. My eyes are fluttering closed, and all I can hear is desperate and pained begging from the crew around me to stay awake. I want to stay awake, I really do. What's Iain telling me? Something about...oh my God...Ethan. He's saying that I need to stay strong, for my little brother. See, I'm not sure how to do that. How the tables have turned...last time it was him on a stretcher, after the horrible car crash in 2014. It nearly killed him. I remember how scared I was, probably more than he was. I can't do that to him. He needs me. Despite him being my 'safety net', and 'all I've got', I know it's the same the other way round. He can't be left without me, my baby brother. I can feel pain engulfing me, not just from the outside. I can feel tears leaking out of my eyes, as well as the ones shining in Iain's blue eyes. He feels bad, I can just tell. I want to tell my best friend that it's not his fault, he had no choice...But of course my mouth is clogged up and all I'm breathing is thick air which is slowly suffocating me. I want to say so many things, but I can't. I stare into his eyes, hoping he gets what I mean.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, so much my little baby brother. I love you, Ethan. I don't want to leave you.

Everything is turning black, this is the end, I can tell. I don't want to go. I don't want to die! Not yet, not ever. I'm not ready. I can't die I just can't. I need to be at the hospital working, teasing my brother and telling him he's a little nerd. Oh, that's it. That's what I said to him before I left for the shout.

"Relax, dork! I'll be fine!" I'd smiled, patting him on the back and dashing off. I want to hold him in my arms, tell him I love him...But the truth is, I'm slowly dying.

I'll never get to do that again.

I'm so sorry, Ethan. I'm all you've got. I'm your safety net.

But I'm gone.


	2. It's Just Not Fair

**Thank you to** **ETWentHome, Chels, and Tanith Panic** **for such kind and inspiring reviews. Here's the next chapter!**

 **Chapter 2) It's not fair**

 **Ethan's POV**

"Pick up, pick up...answer the _damn_ phone!" I hissed under my breath, shoving the mobile back into my pocket and swearing a little. God, why did he do this? He knows how I get worried when he doesn't pick up the phone. What if something's happened?

Where the hell was he? They should be back by now. Why is everyone staring at me through the slats in the blinds in the staff room? Maybe I swore a bit louder than I should've. I dialed his number again.

"Please, please..." I muttered, holding it to my ear. I walked out of the staff room and wandered the hospital, nearing reception. I heard a faint ringing in the distance. It was coming from Iain.

He was standing by reception covered in ash, blood, and sweat. His eyes were wide and full of tears. Everybody spun when they saw me.

"What's going on?" I said, my voice scarcely a whisper. Iain reached into his pocket to reveal _Cal's_ phone, my number ringing on there. He hung up.

"Where'd you get his phone from? Iain, what's going on?" I said, raising my voice. I felt terrified. What if something really bad had happened? I looked into resus, where all bays were clear apart from a young girl covered in burns and black dust crying into her dad's shoulder. Iain stepped closer and placed Cal's phone into my palm.

"There was an explosion at the flat..." Iain trailed off, his voice shaky. I turned to the rest, who were doing their best to hide their teary eyes. Lily was shaking, her face paled and lip trembling. Charlie looked awful, his blue eyes nearly spilling over with tears. Max was beside himself, leaning on the desk with his head buried in his hands.

"What do you mean?" I whispered softly. Iain put a hand on my shoulder which I shook off.

"Don't! What do you mean? He's...he's okay, tell me he's okay!" I begged. My mind was blank, only one thought playing. It was a horrible thought. _Please, Cal, be okay._

"I'm so sorry Ethan...the injuries were too severe...he died in the ambulance on the way here." Iain trembled.

What?

My brother _can't_ be dead! He's only thirty-one! He has decades left in him as yet...he should live until he's ninety-five, with kids and grandchildren. He can't be dead with so much life left to live. _It's not fair. That's not fair._

"He's _not_ dead!" I said, a lump in my throat.

Everyone who had been sitting in reception was quiet, clearly knowing what had happened. The silence was deafening.

I can't do this, I really can't.

"I...I know, pal...but...he's gone, okay...he wouldn't have felt any-" I stopped Iain there.

"What do you mean? Yes, he would've felt pain! If he died in the explosion...it would have..." I couldn't talk anymore with the lump in my throat. I felt my eyes filling with hot, stinging tears.

 _He's my safety net...all I've got left. I can't lose him. He can't lose me._

I stifle a sob with my hand on my mouth, choking on my tears. I feel Iain's arms wrap around me as he holds me close. It feels nice as if it was Cal embracing me. But I can't hug Iain. He was the one who gave up on Cal. They could've revived him at the hospital if they'd got him there!

What happened? Why was Cal even in that building? Why am I hugging the man who _may_ have actually caused my brother leaving me?

"Go away," I whispered, pushing him off me. As soon as I left his arms I wanted them back, but I didn't step any closer. Iain nodded understandingly. He knew why I'd refused him. He could tell I blamed him.

I did my best to hold back the sobs but it was in vain. I tried to walk past Lily but she grabbed my arm. I saw the helplessness in her eyes. What was I thinking? She must be hurting too. I bury her into a hug where she cried into my chest, clutching me tightly and sobbing as if her heart is breaking.

It sends me over the edge.

We both stand in the middle of reception embracing, crying out eyes out. Everybody watches, doing their best to hold back tears themselves. I couldn't care less who was looking. I just wanted to cry.

Despite the warm, comforting hug I'm getting from Lily, I can't help but wish it was someone else's arms around me.


	3. Breaking Down

**Thank you to Bonnie Sveen Fan for the review. I feel bad about putting Ethan through this, but what's fan fiction without a bit of sadness? On with the next chapter!**

 **Chapter 3)** Broken down

Someone takes me into the relative room, I'm not sure who. I sit there trembling, biting my nail and doing my best to stop the tears trickling from my watery brown eyes.

I just can't believe it.

My brother, my own flesh, and my blood. Gone. No amount of crying is going to bring the person I grew up with back.

I'll never see his eyes shine when he's laughing.

I'll never stifle a laugh at one of his awful, crude jokes.

I'll never complain about the state of his bedroom.

I'll never have to cover for him at work.

I'll never see the way he looks when he is truly happy.

I'll never be able to have deep chats at midnight with him.

I'll never sit in darkness worrying about when he's coming home from the pub.

Because he's not coming home.

He's not at the pub.

He's not at some random girls house.

He's not skiving off work.

He's not anywhere.

He's dead.

Forever.

Somewhere along those lines, I started crying uncontrollably again, burying my face in my hands to hide. I feel someone rub my back in comfort, muttering words which I couldn't hear because my sobs were too loud.

Harsh, choking, ugly, irregular sobs. All because Caleb Knight went on a shout to save some people from a burning building and somehow died because of it.

How did it happen? I need to know. Iain is sitting in the relative room with me, taking a moment before he has to go home. If it was any other day I'd have driven him, or paid for a taxi. But it wasn't just him that was hurting, the whole department was feeling the blow. I sniffle and wipe away the tears, resting my other hand on Lily's shoulder so she knows I'm okay. She gives me a watery, weak smile. Charlie's in there too, drinking a cup of tea which looked scalding hot but he hadn't seemed to notice. Cal was like a son to Charlie, almost. I can see the tears in his eyes, the pain in his chest as he holds the cup shakily. I take it from him and place it down on the table. Then I turn to Iain.

"Iain?" I ask softly, as the three occupants of the room turn to stare. Iain gives me a knowing glance. He knows what I want to ask.

"You want to know what happened, don't 'ya?" Iain said as I nodded. Iain looked around at the other two, who were listening keenly. It was clear we all wanted to hear it. Iain took a deep breath and began.

"We were standing around, waiting for someone to present with a burn or something, when a man came over. H-he was telling us that his daughter was in there, and Cal was off like a whippet. He just ran in, Ethan. I tried to stop him...next thing I know, he's got the girl out and popped her on a trolley. He was standing by the door looking chuffed and happy, when-" Iain stopped to blow his nose with a bit of tissue. I waited understandingly, my heart pumping in anticipation..

"Anyway...There was a large explosion and it threw him...back onto the pavement a-and he...he...you know. He made it to the ambulance...but as I said, there wasn't a chance. We would've taken him to resus but there wasn't any point." Iain said. I suddenly saw red.

"What do you mean, there was 'no point'?" I accused. Iain shook his head weakly.

"i mean...there wasn't really a lot left to...salvage. He had numerous lacerations, burns, and he was bleeding everywhere...if we had somehow had a miracle and he'd made it he would've probably been...brain damaged." Iain stopped.

I breathed out, nodding. That's what happened. Cal went in, playing the hero. I can't help but want to know his last words, if he wanted anyone...if he wanted me. I feel a few tears rolling down my cheeks but wipe them away. It's no use.

"If it's any...any comfort to k-know, Ethan...He was muttering something about not wanting to go. Something about...he was needed. That you needed him." Iain said. I smiled a little bit.

"He was spot on," I admitted. Iain gulped, clearly doing his best to not cry.

"And...he said that he loved you. So much," Iain said. I stared at him in disbelief. Cal never used the 'L' word. Never.

But when he had, it had been just for me.


	4. Keep it Together

**If anyone has any ideas for chapters, or suggestions for what could happen, please let me know. I'd hate for this to get boring. Thanks for the feedback I've gotten so far also!**

 **Chapter 4) Keeping it together**

Iain had gone home, and Lily had gone also. Only Charlie was left, bustling around the department and making sure everybody else was okay. I was slumped on the sofa, staring into nothingness.

Cal would make a completely stupid joke like I was watching invisible aliens. Something dumb like that. Or he'd make me laugh and say there were imaginary strippers.

He always knew how to make me smile. Eventually.

I barely heard Charlie enter the room and sit down beside me. He sighed.

"This is a silly question, but is there anyone I can call for you?" Charlie asked softly. I shook my head immediately.

"Any friends who don't work here on the ED? Who will be in a fit state of mind?" He asked again.

My mind went to Arthur Digby who used to work on the wards upstairs. He had gotten cancer, and it turned out to be terminal. He was gone, only his grieving wife left and his friends, family and of course me, left in his wake. I didn't want to think about someone else who I'd loved and lost. I sniffed and shook my head. Charlie wasn't giving up.

"What about your dad? He still around?" Charlie asked. He must have meant my adoptive dad, as I didn't have a clue who my real dad was yet. To be honest I didn't want to know. I sat up with a start.

"Charlie, we-I mean I, don't know my real dad...I'll have to find him and tell him his son is..." I stopped when Charlie put a hand on my leg in comfort.

"You're not playing a game of 'track the long lost parent' tonight, Ethan. It'll get sorted, and whoever he is will get the news eventually. But your adoptive dad...do you think he'd be...available to try and support you?" Charlie asked kindly.

Support me? Not a chance.

"We don't...we don't talk anymore. We never really got along," I said. I hated myself for putting it so mildly. We never spoke, we never bonded, we never laughed or were close. He was a living monster. Cal made me promise never to call him again when he left when I was a teenager, and I still haven't.

"Well...maybe you should call him anyway? He might surprise you," Charlie said. I shook my head in disagreement.

"I hate him and he hates me. Cal wouldn't want me to call him." I said.

"Cal's...Cal's not around anymore. It's your choice." Charlie said, standing up and brushing down his clothes. I nodded.

"I might go home now," I said, getting up. I couldn't stay in the same room for any longer. I saw my reflection in the door. My eyes were bloodshot, with my hair all tousled and my cheeks pink with color. My nose was slightly red, with my clothes all rumpled from the way I'd been sitting. I looked a mess.

I sighed and began to leave. Charlie grabbed my elbow.

"No, if you think I'm letting you go home alone you're wrong. Stay with me," Charlie devised. I thought hesitantly for a second but nodded. All the fight has been taken from me somehow. Charlie gave me a weak smile and walked alongside me out of the relative room. We passed the reception desk where a few of my colleagues were hanging around. Noel gave me a small, comforting smile.

"See you later then, you two," Noel called, his voice only a fraction of what it was before. He was lacking the energy and enthusiasm that he always had. I couldn't blame him, though. If I didn't have an audience 24/7 I'd probably be slumped against a wall drinking vodka and crying. Maybe I should do that. No, Ethan, don't. Drinking isn't the answer. _Or is it?_

"Bye, Noel," We called back, leaving them alone and walking to Charlie's ancient car. We got in and drove back in silence. I hate the silence. It's horrible. I need to do something, or listen to something, but his radio is broken and there's barely anything in this car apart from a few shrivelled receipts, a Tartan blanket, and fleecy jumper.

"So...does Louis still live with you?" I asked, hoping Charlie would ignore the hiccups and my wobbly tone from all that sobbing. Of course, he did.

"No, my Louis moved on a while ago. Got a flat. He's doing well." Charlie said, pride evident in his tone. I smiled politely. Deep down I was glad he was, but I was even more glad that it meant it could just be me and Charlie.

Charlie would understand. He always did.

We pulled up outside his house, entering through the front door and walking inside. It smelt like clean clothes and cooked food, despite nobody being home to cook. It smelt a lot like my grandparent's house, comforting. It made me feel a little less stressed. Only a little. I still had lots to do. I had to arrange the funeral, tell my few remaining family members, clean out the flat...God, I'm not looking forward to that.

"Hungry?" Charlie asked suddenly, whipping out some potatoes and rinsing them. He had already started cooking when I was in la-di-dah-land.

"Uh...yeah, I guess. Do you want me to-" He shook his head at my offer.

"You can go and check out the house. You can have Louis's old room if you like." Charlie said kindly. I nodded and walked up the stairs. Numerous photos littered the walls, sweet and nostalgic. A little boy with fluffy brown hair smiled on the photos, his pearly white teeth showing through when he giggled.

I sighed a bit and reached the top floor, opening up a door where I saw a bed with a freshly made duvet cover on it, a small lamp, a chest of drawers and a rug. It was neat and tidy, but bare. I sat on the bed, breathing outwardly. I laid back and closed my heavy, swollen, red eyes.

It must have been about an hour later when Charlie called me. I rushed down the stairs and gave him a weak smile. His eyes were red, but he insisted it was from the onions. I found that pretty hard to believe since we were having sausages and mash. I sat opposite him and had a few spoonfuls of mash and a bite of the sausage. It clogged up in my throat and tasted stringy and like cardboard. I gave up, sipping endlessly on water. Charlie hadn't eaten much either, only the mash.

"I don't think I can eat anymore," I muttered, hoping he wouldn't find me rude.

"That's fine," He said kindly, clearing the dishes. I excused myself and went up to bed. Charlie came after me and gave me a pair of dark jogging bottoms and a plain white top which I slipped on in private. I said goodnight and buried myself in the duvet covers.

It took all my strength to not break down. I could hear small noises coming from Charlie's room, which were undoubtedly sobs. I felt my eyes prick but I refused to let any tears fall. Cal wouldn't want that.

But Cal wouldn't want to be dead either.

I fell asleep with the last words he ever spoke to me swirling around my head.

" _Relax, dork. I'll be fine."_ With that he had patted me on the shoulder and grinned as he left me alone, forever.


	5. Where's The Good In Goodbye?

5) Where's The Good In Goodbye?

 **My longest chapter so far! It's time for the funeral, and a return to the brother's shared flat. Hopefully I've pulled off a realistic funeral as I'm lucky enough to have NEVER been to one! The chapter name is inspired by one of my favorite songs by The Script, definitely recommend it. Anyway, enough of my rambling. On with the story :)**

 **Note- The writing in the italic is the speech**

 **Time Skip- One week**

I stared into the mirror, tightening the skinny black tie round my neck. I brought my white collar over it neatly and adjusted my blazer. My hair was washed, combed and gelled for the first time since Cal died. My face was pale and blotchy, my eyes bloodshot from staying up all night. I rested my elbows on the sink and breathed out shakily.

Today was Cal's funeral.

I'd written a speech which I was going to say, and Charlie promised if I looked a bit anxious then he'd come up and stand with me. I'd said I didn't need help, but we both knew I probably would.

I tucked the paper with the eulogy handwritten neatly inside my pocket and rubbed my face. My phone bleeped with a text:

"Are you ready?" From Lily, signed with a few friendly kisses down below. She never used kisses, but today was a strange day. It didn't feel anything was actually happening like this was all a strange fantasy and I'd wake up anytime. I wished I could wake up, but you couldn't wake up if you weren't asleep.

I took one last breath before I left the staff bathroom, joined by Charlie who was dressed smartly. We exchanged a quick, nervous smile, and walked together to reception.

Everyone was gathered by the desk in their special attire, discussing the man whose death they were mourning. They all turned when I came into the crowd. Robyn gave me a kind smile, giving me a quick hug. She coughed a little, something I also did when trying to wipe away tears discreetly.

Lily was playing with the hem of her black dress and staring into nothingness, biting her lip which I could see was bleeding a little. I gave her a small pat which woke her up abruptly. She gave me a watery and weak smile. Noel suddenly emerged from the department doors, leaving them swinging open and closed from the force.

"Car's here," He said, as we followed him out into the car park. I was squashed in the middle of one of the taxi's, doing my best to block out the thought of what I was going to have to do later.

Beautiful, somber organ music played throughout the church, filling everyone's ears. The pews were filled out with people, faint faces who I recognised from my childhood. I resolved to say hello later if I could manage it. Every single one of my colleagues sat also, a dour look on their faces. The place was adorned with posies of flowers, tied around with silky white ribbons, and there wasn't a speck of dust in the place.

I was sat in between Lily and Charlie, who were tense and fidgety.

The priest took the stage, beginning his small speech and before I knew it he was telling me to come up. Fear filled me.

If I messed this up, Cal would be furious. The last time he ever has an event dedicated to him, and and I stutter the words and it ruins everything. I can't do it, I can't. Everyone was staring expectantly, as Charlie stood up.

He was right, of course. I would need help. Even if it was just staying upright, as I feel extremely lightheaded. I get to my feet, Lily squeezing my hand quickly before I walk with Charlie up the steps. I hate it already.

No. It's not me who this is about.

It's my big brother who dedicated his life to looking after me, becoming a fantastic doctor, and unforgettable friend. That's who I'm doing it for. I clear my throat and begin;

" _Cal was just 31 years old when he passed away on Tuesday. He died a hero, saving a young girl before he was caught up in an explosion that claimed his life."_ I saw the pride in my colleagues eyes, but also a deep misery. I felt Charlie place his hand on my shoulder.

" _He was a brilliant doctor, although he said he was always winging it, that wasn't true. He did his best by every single patient he came across, but he treated them more than that. Occasionally he'd lose focus, mess up somehow, but he always redeemed himself in the end, goodness knows how. He's always been like that, ever since he was a kid."_ I fingered the edge of the written eulogy, feeling my eyes prick with tears. I never thought I'd be stood here, telling everyone about my big brother. I hoped I'd never be here.

" _One time when we were growing up, he was climbing a tree in the park. I saw what he was doing and decided to copy. When I lost my footing and slipped, he managed to somehow catch me. Breaking his arm in the process. That's what he's always done. Not break his arm, but catch me when I fall. He always said it was the other way round, that I was the one who caught him, but I see the truth now. It's just a shame I had to see it so late."_ I choked on my words at the end, a tear snaking down my face and falling delicately onto the paper.

" _Despite everything, he was the definition of a good man. Caleb was someone who didn't have a bad bone in his body, he was warm and friendly. He brought out the best in everyone, including me."_ I gripped the body of the table which held my paper, my knuckles going white. Everyone was looking at me with such encouragement. I wanted to cry at their support. Well, I wanted to cry full stop.

" _Cal wasn't always the best brother, granted, but he always tried. He made a lot of mistakes, particularly to do with women and money, but he always regretted it in the end and ended up begging for forgiveness on his hands and knees."_ Weak smiles spread across the pews in remembrance of his antics. There had been more than we had time to discuss. Besides, that's not how I want my brother to be remembered.

" _He was taken from us too soon. He breathed his soul into the hospital, and it still lingers. We'll forever remember and miss him. I'll miss him."_ The last sentence was harder to say than anticipated.

I felt myself sting with hurt as my eyes filled with tears. I managed to say a small " _That's all"._ Charlie gave me a gentle pat on the back as we departed the stage, slumping back down on the pews as I rubbed my eyes furiously. I looked down at my feet, sitting uncomfortably on the wooden material of the pew.

A hand tapped me on my back, presenting a small wad of tissues. They were from Zoe, whose mouth was trembling slightly.

"You did really well," She whispered, as I gave her a watery and grateful smile in response. I really needed to hear that. Her kindness threw me over the edge. My eyes brimmed with tears as I sniffed quietly, wiping the ones that spilled away. The priest was on the stage again, but I barely listened to what he had to say. I was too busy staring at the coffin with tears dripping from my face.

We all left the church, standing outside and conversing with everyone a bit tearfully. I was joined by a tall man I didn't really recognise all that much.

"Hey, Ethan." he said, sounding a little throaty as if he'd been crying. I looked up at him, my mouth dropping a bit when I saw who it was.

My adoptive dad.

"Uh, good job with that speech. You've never been brilliant at public speaking, but I guess it's the sentiment that counts." He said a little snootily, barely giving me a chance to reply. His words no longer felt like daggers poking holes through me.

His words were now tiny pin pricks. I turned away and left him alone, joining the others. They were actually worth talking to.

It took all my strength not to break down in tears at the wake. Everyone clinked drinks together, ordering something strong to take away the bad aftertaste the funeral had left. I stood gormlessly, watching my drink swirl round and round in the cup. I wanted the wake to be over, so we could all go home and just be alone.

I could barely breath with the people crowding me, the only person who was on their thoughts was Cal, so they kept talking about him. Of course, they would, but it felt like rubbing salt in the wound.

I stung more than ever, all I wanted was something to take the pain away. I placed a hand on my forehead, attempting to get rid of the creases caused by constant frowning. My glasses were fogging up already. So I strode over to Charlie, giving him a quick, hesitant smile.

"I might head home now," I said, avoiding to look the sympathy smiles I got.

"Oh, alright. I'll give you my house keys," He said, rustling in his pocket. I shook my head.

"No, I've bothered you enough. I'll go back to my flat. I'll be fine, I promise." I reassured him, as his forehead creased.

"You sure?"

"Completely,"

We went our separate ways as I departed the pub, breathing in the fresh and cold air that hit me hard. I was about to go into the hospital to get my car keys from my locker, but that would mean walking where several memories still ghosted around of my deceased brother.

I'll take a bus.

I didn't have to wait long at all as one arrived. I hopped on board and handed the man driving a scrunched fiver. He wrinkled up his nose at it, but gave me my change nevertheless as I muttered a thank you and sat on one of the unoccupied seats. I watched as the hospital slowly got out of sight.

It seemed compulsory to say a quick "I'm home," before entering the flat, as a greeting to whoever was already in there. It hurt a little to not have to say that anymore, so I said it anyway. I switched on the lights, and nearly fainted when I saw everything around the flat.

It was just how we'd left it. My books were on the table, alongside a cup which which was half empty with water. My pen had rolled on the floor, and my notes were littered on the sofa. Cal's side of the room was much more different. His leather jacket was draped across the back of the sofa, with his magazines and three discarded beer cans. I felt the need to clear them up, but something stopped me. How could I clean up a reminder I have of him, even if they are in the form of clothes and clutter? I removed my jacket and shoes and walked in there.

I walk cautiously over to the leather jacket, stroking it as if it were a soft pet. I picked it up gently, brushing away the non existent dirt. I hugged it close to my chest, breathing in the familiar scent of him. I sat on the sofa with it in my arms, wrapping it around me as I let the smell of him waft around the room. I slid it on, looking ridiculous in my funeral attire and a stylish leather jacket, but I felt comforted by it. I unbuttoned my shirt a little, removing my tie and belt so I could breath more.

I entered his bedroom, my breath catching as I saw the possessions of his fill the room. I sat gingerly on the edge of the bed in total darkness, eventually falling back.

Even his pillow smelt like him.

I slid into the duvet and tried to pretend the leather jacket was him, sleeping beside me. I physically felt pained.

Oh, Cal. Why did you have to leave me?

Why'd you do it?

You know I need you.

But still you left me alone.

I close my eyes, hoping that when I wake up, none of this will be real.

Why couldn't you have taken me with you?


	6. I Wish You Were Here

Hello hello, my lovely readers. We've got a new addition to the story who I'm hoping to include quite a bit...I won't give it away, but I am hoping I've got her character right :D A bit of a bad day for Ethan, is he going to keep his cool or fight back? Luckily he does have some good friends, and they do mean well. It's just a shame one person, in particular, had to chuck her toys out of the pram! Without further ado, on with the sixth chapter!

 **6) I Wish You Were Here**

I sat with my legs crossed on the cream carpet, surrounded by several of Cal's forgotten possessions. It was comforting as if he was with me.

I was wearing some old jeans and a t-shirt which was once white but was now a grey. On top of that I wore Cal's leather jacket, sniffing it every now and then, as the scent solaced me. I was looking through photos. One was of Cal and me at a rugby match. I didn't really care for rugby, but he was a big fan. His whole face is radiating happiness, his arm locked around me. The stadium is in view behind us, the game just beginning. I placed the picture on the floor and was about to choose another thing to look at when I heard the phone ring. I rushed into the living room and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Dr Hardy. It's Mrs Beachaump,"

"Uh, hello. What can I do for you?"

"I hate to ask, but do you mind coming into the hospital, if you're up to it? We're short staffed, and as you're due back tomorrow, I just thought-"

"Oh, no, it's fine. I wouldn't mind at all!"

"Good. Our new doctor joining us is a bit late."

"New doctor?"

"Yes. I'm sure you'll recognise her."

"Um...yeah. I'll arrive at in about half an hour." I hung up. New doctor? Are they seriously replacing Cal already? Is he just going to become a distant memory? I sighed and walked into my room to get changed. I won't let him be forgotten.

I stared upwards at the white, leering building that greeted me. It evoked a strong feeling of nostalgia of walking into work with-

I strolled across the road and entered the building. I'd gotten dressed in my scrubs beforehand to save time, so I blended right into the group of doctors and nurses who were busy filing paperwork and drinking coffee. It was extremely busy for a weekday, but I didn't stop to ponder on it for long. I sidled up beside Lily, who gave me a welcoming smile. She passed me her coffee which we shared companionably.

"Mrs. Andrews, cubicle two." She said, placing a stack of notes in my hands. I nodded and went over to the correct cubicle. A hysterical woman was sat on the bed, running her hands through her thinning white hair. She has wrinkles across her papery, light skin, and was wearing a dress with a smart collar. She had fishnet stockings on, a dark lipstick, and was sporting a rather nasty cut across her face. I gave her a welcoming smile and began the long process.

I was polishing off my fourth coffee when I heard the noise of paperwork being dropped on the floor and a loud sigh. I walked over to the source of the noise which was in the staffroom, where everyone was gathered. A blonde haired doctor was hurriedly picking up the pieces, apologising profusely. Connie looked like she wanted to scream.

"Ah, Dr. Hardy. Come join us." I trudged over reluctantly, standing beside Lily.

There were a lot of memories in this room. I did my best to face front and ignore the fact I could still hear a familiar voice mocking me and laughing in jest.

When the new doctor lifted her head, I saw the familiar face of Alicia. Lily looked far from pleased, if not a little shifty and nervous.

"As you can all tell, Dr. Munroe is joining us again," Connie said motioning over to the smiling and enthusiastic doctor stood beside her. I gave her a quick, weak smile, which she returned quickly.

"She is going to need someone to keep an eye on her today. How about..." Connie scanned the room, her eyes immediately darting to Lily. She clearly thought better of it.

"Dr Keogh?" She questioned, as Dylan's eyes widened.

"I, uh, don't really think that'd work, you see..." Dylan trailed off when he couldn't think of a plausible excuse. Connie looked as if she wanted to argue until I cut in quickly.

"I could do it," Everyone stared at me, seemingly surprised I was talking and active. I still had a lot of people to prove wrong after all. I need to show them that I'm alright, just fine.

"Really?" Connie said, obviously unsure. I nodded.

"Well, I suppose you've got to get back into the saddle sometime." She said.

I've only been at work a few hours!

"Of course," I said, venom accidently dripping from my voice. Now I just had the very challenging job of keeping an eye on the new, jittery doctor.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"-And then I came back here! It's been a long journey!" Alicia rambled nervously, giving me various hand gestures and smiling widely.

I'd barely been listening, offering the odd murmur in reply. It seemed to be enough for her. We walked into the staff room where everyone was having a break, silencing when I entered. I brushed off the sympathetic glances.

Alicia suddenly stopped, giving me a confused look.

"There's someone missing!" She said, smiling as if it was a game.

My heart dropped. Everyone shot her several not so subtle looks, as if the mention of anything vaguely to do with...him, would make me break down.

Which it had been known to do. At home, I'd spent hours crying my eyes out.

I didn't say that out loud.

"Hmmm...well, a lot of people!" She said as the others began filling her in on Dixie, Lofty, Jack, Zoe, Big Mac, Rita... They reached Cal's name.

"What about Cal, Ethan? Has he moved on as well?" She asked innocently. I began making a coffee, giving her a sideways glance.

"Yeah," I said weakly. It was true. He had moved on, but it had a few differences. He wasn't a phone call away, he can't send a postcard, he can't visit...

"Ethan, you okay?" Alicia asked gently. I broke out of my thoughts, realising that tears were shining noticeably in my eyes.

"I'm fine," I responded, a little icily. She nodded.

"What's he doing then? Something action-man, am I right? Or has Doctor 'Call me Cal' Knight moved on and got a family? He had that lovely little girl from what I-"

I couldn't take it anymore.

"He's dead, Alicia." I spat. Alicia's mouth dropped open as her eyes widened.

"Dead? How... Oh, I am so sorry..." She trailed off, covering her mouth in embarrassment as if she was ashamed she brought it up.

"He was killed in an explosion if you have to know. Nearly blown to bits," I said irritably.

The room was now silent, as Alicia left my side and sat by Louise. All of a sudden, Louise got up and put her hands on her hips.

"There's no need to be blunt. It wasn't her fault, she was always going to ask!" Louise said, vexed and fuming by my earlier response to Alicia. Her eyes shone with fury, her face full of resentment in a matter of seconds. I turned, barely caring if the others were looking, which they obviously all were.

"Well, Louise, I'm very sorry that I dislike bringing up my dead brother." I retorted, giving back what I got. She raised an eyebrow.

"You're just being a bully! You've been ignoring her all day, you complete pig. Don't take your sorrows out on us!" Louise said, her voice getting louder, borderline a shout.

I saw red.

We began having a full-on yelling match, the others trying to intervene. I knew it was illogical and useless to argue, but with every word I yelled, the grief I felt began to fade a little. However, the sadness was still there and I knew it'd be stronger when I'd calmed down, so the more scared I felt inside, the louder I shouted.

We'd attracted quite a crowd. Several people had even joined in, fighting sides. I felt bad that Alicia was currently sitting on the sofa with her head buried in her hands, shaking a little. I guess she expected more from her first day back, as did I.

Louise and I kept screaming at each other, petty and stupid insults followed by another reason I was being a bully. I fought back until my anger began to crumble.

"If Cal could see you now! He'd be ASHAMED of you!" Louise screamed. I froze. She was right. He would be ashamed. He would expect better of me than to be this way. I can almost see him shaking his head at me, doing that look which always made me melt inside, disappointed in myself. The argument had completely stopped, as my eyes filled with tears.

"You're right, Louise. He would be." I said. I walked past her, not mean enough to shove her, and left the room with everyone standing in my wake. I barely heard people calling my name as I left the department.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I threw back another shot, chucking my head back and lavishing the taste of the strange, exciting liquid. Right now, all I wanted was to get extremely pissed.

I wanted to wake up in a different bed with my head so banging and aching that I couldn't remember a thing. I wanted to forget the stupid little things that broke me inside, shattering my heart a little bit more. That's exactly what I wanted to do.

I ordered a ninth shot, chugging the drink quickly. Everything was fuzzy, everything hurt, and everything was difficult. Same as usual, but just in a physical way.

I stumbled out of the pub, trying to keep my footing as I crossed the car. I felt tipsy, my mood even more maudlin than before.

God, I wanted him back. I wanted him to pick me up from the heap I was now sitting in, smack-bang in the middle of the car park. I wanted him to wipe away the tears now making their way down my face. I wanted him to take the pain away. I wanted the eyes staring at me to be his own, rather than a bunch of worried colleagues who were no longer angry with me.

I felt a soft hand on my shoulder and was greeted by the face of Connie. Her painted lips moved, the words she was speaking just flying over my head.

I felt another set of hands pick me up, lifting me from the floor and helping me over to a bench. I registered that the hands belonged to Dylan, accompanied by Max who was lingering close.

Charlie had just exited the department, clearly in search for me as my shift wasn't over yet. He came over, talking with Connie as the sentences spoken just got jumbled inside my head. I saw nothing but a blurred haze as their faces mushed into one and I felt all kinds of pain inside me.

"Ethan, how much have you had?" Dylan questioned, his voice breaking through my barrier which I'd somehow created. My mouth wobbled.

"Not enough," I mumbled. I saw the disappointment in their eyes, as well as the tears which were shining brightly.

"Drinking won't help," Charlie spoke wisely. I nodded.

"I know," I whispered, my voice barely audible and cracking. As soon as they began trying to take me inside, I shook them away.

"L-Leave me a-alone!" I shrieked miserably. I broke apart from them, wobbling across the car park until I stumbled and fell. Charlie somehow caught me so I didn't smash my face on the concrete.

"He was completely out of order-" Said a cutting voice. I turned to see Louise complaining loudly to Robyn and Alicia, presumably on their break. She stopped when she saw me, seemingly filling with guilt. She should feel guilty. Those words are never going to leave me now.

Everyone's eyes seemed to be on me as I tried to free myself from Charlie and Max's tight grasp, while Dylan began doing his best to calm me down.

"Ethan, what are you doing?" Lily suddenly yelled from across the car park.

"I j-just need to go h-home and s-see Cal!" I screamed, sinking to the floor.

"Ethan..." Charlie sighed.

"I just want my brother back!" I yelled, my voice breaking. The lump in my throat was too much to bear.

I let out several sobs, letting hot and salty tears streak my face. I buried my head in my hands, as someone cradled me close. I could hear Charlie murmuring softly, trying to calm me down.

"Why did he have to die, Charlie. I want him back!"


	7. A Home Is No Place To Hide

**I've been struggling with writing lately, so if this is weak, I apologize. The episode I was referencing at the end was 'Strangers', S30 E12.**

 **Chapter 7) A Home Is No Place To Hide**

I feel too drained to do anything.

Why bother? I'd just upset someone anyway.

I'd been doing a pretty good job at that lately.

I'm housebound, laying in my bed for the entirety of the day, only getting up to get food or use the bathroom.

That's all I'm going to do.

Lay and stare into space, just thinking of all the things I should have done. I got a few visitors who perched awkwardly on the edge of my bed, trying to inject a little cheeriness into my mood. But you can't fix everything with a small joke and a motivational speech.

Charlie was round, making coffees and cleaning the neglected kitchen. He walked into my room, placing the steaming mug next to the other ones, which were full with cold coffee from the other times he'd been round.

"You can't just lay here forever, you know?" He said. I rolled my eyes.

"It's for the best,"

"For who?"

For everyone, Charlie. I'm horrible to be around."

"Ethan-"

"Thanks for the coffee,"

That's how the majority of how my conversations go. I brush off any help, and whoever is talking to me just sighs and gives up. Charlie's always different, though, he's persistent. I wish I was more like Charlie.

"Have you thought about seeing anyone?" Charlie asked. For the first time in a few hours, I lift myself up from my rumpled bed sheets and try to glare at him. It didn't work, but I gave him my best disapproving face.

"What do you MEAN?" I asked, voice rising. I heard his breath catch as he continued the unwanted venue of conversation.

"These thoughts, Ethan...you're thinking there's no point being around. You're grieving, and it might be worth talking to someone qualified about it. This attitude towards life isn't healthy, you know that?" Charlie said slowly. I collapsed back down onto the bed.

"Maybe we can get you to a clinic, have somebody properly-"

"Charlie, I'm FINE! Please, just LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shouted angrily, turning over so he couldn't see the tears streak my face.

I heard him sigh and slowly leave the room, walking through the flat and closing the door behind him.

There. I've just messed up and upset someone else who was trying to help me.

I heard a small knock at my bedroom door and peered my head around to see.

It was Alicia.

Charlie must have let her in. She walked over slowly, looking shy.

"Hey,"

"Hey," I resumed my usual position which was staring upwards at the ceiling to avoid any unwanted eye contact. I felt so guilty about earlier I couldn't find it in me to tell her to leave.

"I'm...sorry." I stammered. Her eyes lit up with interest.

"What for?"

"Being so nasty to you at the hospital. Louise was right. I'm a bully. You deserve better, you really do." I stated truthfully. Alicia shook her head immediately to my surprise.

"No, Ethan. Louise was totally out of order shouting at you like that. You're grieving, I get it. Maybe you were a bit quick to snap, but you're only human after all. And you've apologized, which is really nice." Alicia reassured. Somehow I believe her, hanging onto her every word. I pulled myself up from my bed and leaned against the headrest.

"I'm glad you understand. I don't want you to hate me," I said.

"I couldn't hate you." She said softly. I saw her blush a little and then look away. We sat in a comfortable silence for a while until she broke it.

"You should come back to work," She stated. I looked at her as if she just said pigs could fly.

"No, I can't. Everyone's mad at me." I told her, hating how childish I sounded. She barely noticed, giving me a sympathetic smile.

"Nobody is anymore. If they're mad at anyone, it's Louise. She's crippled with guilt, actually. She's been beating herself up over what she said, and this is Louise we're talking about!" Alicia told me. I sighed.

"I overreacted. Who goes to the pub after one stupid argument, gets blindingly drunk, tries to walk home and then ends up crying in the car park in front of everyone?!" I said, angry at myself. I felt surprised when she laughed.

"You're too hard on yourself. Please, Ethan. Come back to work!" She begged. I shook my head.

"Fine. I'll find a way to make you." She said, sounding slightly threatening.

She began to yodel. Long, weird, noises which made my head ring.

"Alicia, please STOP!" I shrieked, covering my ears with my hands.

"Yodelay, never!" She said, resuming her yodeling. I couldn't help but burst into laughter. This was an unusual way to convince me to go to work. Even though the idea of facing everyone seemed terrifying, I knew it had to be done. I sighed.

"Please, stop...Alright! Okay, I'll go to work, happy?" I said. She stopped immediately, her mouth spreading into a contagious smile.

"Phew, I was getting tired from that!" She said happily. I smiled at her, the first proper genuine smile for ages.

"Who taught you to yodel? That was awful!" I said as she burst into fits of giggles.

"I guessed how!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I walked alongside Alicia as we crossed the car park, listening to her story about the patient which somehow got his toe bitten off by a dog. I paid attention, this time giving her more than just a glance and actually laughing when she made jokes. We stopped talking when we reached the ambulance bay outside the department doors.

"Are you sure you can do this?" She checked, as I quickly nodded.

"I don't really have a choice, do I?" I asked as she shook her head cheerfully.

"Not unless you want another yodeling contest," She smirked. I couldn't help but smile.

It actually felt okay to smile. It was nice. I should try and do it more.

We walked into the hospital as the usual noise and atmosphere surrounded us. It wasn't too busy, so everyone was just chatting by the reception desk.

I immediately cowered at the sight of my colleagues, but Alicia's made of sterner stuff. She made sure I didn't back away as we walked over together. I spotted Louise, whose face turned red when she saw me. She gave me a quick smile; her way of saying sorry. I gave her one back, but it was hardly genuine. I decided to avoid her for the rest of the day.

"Hello, stranger!" Noel greeted, his face spreading into a grin. I gave him a weak smile back.

"Dr, Hardy?" Said a voice from behind me. I span to see Connie stood there, arms crossed but her face a little softer than usual.

"Mind if I have a word?" She asked. I nodded and gave Alicia a small 'I'll be fine' look before leaving her side and following Connie.

"How'd you do it?" Charlie asked Alicia, who grinned.

"Yodeling, actually." She told him smugly.

"Well...whatever works."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

After a small chat with Connie about my shift arrangements and making sure I was okay to work, I left the office.

I found it quite nice how she almost went motherly on me, quick to react if I looked upset and handing me tissues when my eyes went a bit watery from the dust in the room. Of course, it was the dust. It wasn't the mention of somebody's name, obviously.

"Hey! How'd it go?" Said a chirpy voice I'd kind of grown to like.

"Yeah, it was alright. She was really nice about everything, actually." I told Alicia.

"Who, Connie? I think she's quite nice when you get to know her." Alicia commented. I nodded a little.

"I guess so. Anyway, what patient first? You have Mr recurrent diarrhea and chest pains, or Mrs ingrown toenail?" I asked.

"Oh, you're so good to me. You have the bloke, I'll sort out the lady."

"Brilliant!" I said sarcastically. We walked our separate ways, but Louise stopped me in my tracks.

"Ethan, can I have a word?" She asked meekly.

"I'm a bit busy right now. Can it wait?" I said, deliberately acting nonchalant, as if I didn't know what she wanted to say.

"No, not really." She said, gentler than usual. I sighed, nodding slightly, and followed her to the staff room. I stood with my arms crossed, waiting.

"Look...I'm sorry about...you know. I was bang out of order." She suddenly spat, her eyes filling with tears which I can only presume were there due to guilt.

"I know you are. Can we just forget about it?" I said. Her whole face lit up, as she smiled.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I said. She looked like she wanted to throw her arms around me and hug, but instead she settled for a friendly pat on the shoulder. She was about to walk away when I stopped her.

"You liked him, didn't you?" I said, hoping I wouldn't get the answer that would be heartbreaking to hear. Of course, life is cruel.

"No! I….yes. I did like him." Louise stammered. I walked up to her, my face full of sympathy.

I don't care what she said to me anymore. The woman is grieving someone who didn't even know her true feelings toward him. That's gotta hurt.

I threw my arms around her quickly, giving her a brief hug. She leaned into me, breathing heavily.

"I should've said something."

"Hindsight is a horrible thing."

"I know that now." We stayed there for a few seconds until she sprung away, wiping her eyes and muttering something about an allergy. I gave her a small, watery smile. I watched her as she walked away, head held high and joining in the gossip.

They'd have made a good couple. I rubbed my eyes and strode off to work, hating to dwell on the what ifs.

I just feel bad for the poor woman left in my brothers wake, longing for his arms around her.

I can relate. I'd kill for him to be with me right now.

I picked up a stack of notes and scribbled down a signature, sighing as I blocked the painful and recurring thought I'd had for weeks, out of my head.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'd actually had quite a good shift after that. The patients weren't too challenging, which I'd usually be annoyed about, but this time, I was glad. I stayed away from Resus which improved my mood. I didn't feel quite so stressed. I felt glad I'd listened to Alicia and gone to work, as stewing at home didn't really work anymore.

But I know what I'm going to do when I get home, and it's not going to be easy. At the hospital, it's like everything's been wiped clean of Cal. If you hadn't have been told he was once a doctor here, you would never have known. In a way it's good, so no memories come creeping up on you, but it's also horrible. What if he just gets forgotten, another name on a list of thousands who was killed in a freak explosion?

I packed my bag and left the staff room, walking through the hospital to drive home alone. I was stopped by Alicia.

"You now off?" She asked.

"Yes, I'll see you tomorrow," I responded quickly, almost looking forward to it. Anything seems better than going home to an empty flat and cleaning out his bedroom. When I was housebound I just stuck to a few rooms and avoided his. I really don't want to remove everything, but in the long run, it'll be better for me.

I hope.

"Well, have a good night!" She smiled politely, leaving me alone. I bit my lip and continued the walk to the car park.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hate the silence. I used to get annoyed when Cal would jump out at me, and swat him. Now, I'd kill for him to do that.

No, focus, Ethan.

I creaked open his bedroom door, black bag in hand. Would he be angry if he knew I was going through all his stuff?

I imagined he'd be more annoyed that he was dead. I thought of him shaking his fist angrily at God. Cal wouldn't go to hell, he was too nice for that.

I switched on the light, watching the room illuminate. I stepped forward and pulled open his drawers, deciding to go through his clothes first.

That was a bad choice. The smell of his strong aftershave sung through, the whole drawers full of it. I coughed, trying to convince myself they weren't tears in my eyes, but an allergic reaction to the copious amounts of aftershave dabbled on the clothes.

It felt almost comforting to fold his clothes neatly and place them on the floor because then it felt like the old times when I'd do all his laundry before work. While ironing my shirts, I'd do his jeans and t-shirts because I was still half asleep. He'd laugh every time, and I'd just sigh and tell him to wear them anyway.

Don't think about it, Ethan.

I shook some dust from an old jumper and saw several pieces of paper fall out. I grasped them, turning them over. My heart flipped.

They were small, polaroid pictures from many years ago. It was when Cal suddenly got into photography for whatever reason and took pictures of everything. There had been a few embarrassing shots but my dad had chucked them. I really wish he hadn't, even if they did make me cringe. They had been full of memories.

However, here was one which caught my eye. Back when I wanted to do everything Cal did, I'd obviously wanted a go with the shiny new camera. He'd agreed, and posed for me to take a picture. He must have been about fourteen, and he was dressed in torn jeans which our dad hated, which was probably why he wore them. He had a stripy jumper on and his blond hair was scruffy as ever. His whole face radiated with joy, a large smile on his face which seemed genuine.

He looked so happy.

I barely noticed I was crying until I felt the tears slide down my face. These are definitely keepers. I slid them into my pockets and got back to work before I could lose my nerve. I hoped I'd come across any new polaroids, but there were none left.

I looked through his stack of unfinished paperwork, coming across the odd bit of litter which I chucked away. I saw an already opened envelope, with my name written on it and a small X for a kiss. I held my breath as I opened it, and read the text.

 _Happy birthday, uncle nibbles._

 _From Caleb and the toad_

A tiny pink hand print sat on the paper as well, the familiar print of Matilda, the little girl who we'd looked after together.

So many memories flooded back. The day we had together, the yelling and the crying, and the cake and the scans...I remember him singing to her;

 _Strangers on this road, we are not two, we are one._

The words ring around my head until I can barely breathe. I press my lips to the card, kissing it softly. Then I held it to my chest, sinking onto the carpet and screwing my eyes closed.

I'd do anything to have one more argument, one more cry together, one more sing-along in the car.

 _Relax, dork, I'll be fine!_

The words he last said in person to me. They spark something, filling me with tearful fury. You weren't fine, though. You're a liar, Caleb Knight. You promised you'd be fine, but got nearly blown to bits. That is hardly being fine. You are a smug, stupid, lying, horrible, abandoning idiot.

I hate you for leaving me. So, so much. I tear the card down the middle, letting tears spurt down my cheeks. I hate you! I throw it across the room, lifting my knees up to my chest and burying my face. I cry ugly sobs, they shake my slim frame.

I cry harder when I realize what I've just done.

I spring up, running over to the other side of the room, picking up the pieces of the card. Why did I do that?

The last birthday card I'll ever get from my big brother, gone.

I sink to the carpet and cry my heart out.

I hate myself a little bit more, knowing that he could be watching me from heaven.

I'm so sorry, Cal. You didn't deserve to be killed.

I do.


	8. Waiting For Superman

Just to let you know, this **isn't** the last chapter. We've got many more which are still in progress. Real brief mention of suicide, but it's literally a sentence!

 **Chapter 8) Waiting For Superman**

The torn tatters of the birthday card still remain on the floor amongst the cream carpet, staring up at me. I refused to look at it in fear of crying again. I knew the memory of tearing it in two would stay with me always. I shoved it into a drawer, sighing.

I decided to call in sick for work. After all, facing everyone with a blotchy face and red-rimmed eyes isn't exactly reassuring that I'm coping. They'll just get all stressed and worried, and anyway, I'm totally fine. I know I'm fine. Everyone will tell me to talk to someone or something like that, but why bother? If a counsellor will bring my big brother back, I'm all up for it, but of course, that will never happen. I'll never get to see him again...not in person anyway. I wanted to sink down onto the floor and cry again, but I know I can't.

I have some things I need to do.

I exited the block of flats, walking out into the bitter cold which enveloped me in a shivering embrace. Droplets of rain began pouring from the dull sky above. Maybe it's Cal from heaven, crying because I was. No, that's stupid.

I turned up my collar and strode through the puddles on the tarmac, avoiding my car and walking along the path by the road. Cars sped past, kindly avoiding me so they didn't splash me with water. Some just drove past with no regard for pedestrians, covering me with cold water without a second thought. However, I didn't really mind. It was a change to feel something physical rather than mental all the time. I'd prefer breaking my neck than to cry for half an hour because I missed someone.

Enough of that, I thought. I tried my hardest to switch my one track mind to a different thought.

My destination. The reason I was trudging through puddles, sopping wet and exhausted in the early hours of the day.

I was heading to the graveyard, to visit my brother again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It took quite a while to reach the graveyard, but I'd made it, strolling through the delicately carved gate which creaked restlessly in the wind. I scanned the yard for one specific gravestone, squinting past hundreds of others. It was horrible to think that others were experiencing the same pain I was right now. The reality of that is horrible but has a slight undertone of comfort. At least I wasn't alone. At least some people were also trying to fight the feeling of death after it had finished defeating a beloved friend, family member, or familiar face.

I strode with buckling legs over to the stone, dropping to my knees when I reached it. My knees were now grass stained and dripping with rain water but it didn't matter one bit. I placed a trembling hand on the gravestone, feeling the engraved writing spelling out his name, a simple message, and the years between his birth and death.

I felt cold, numb and miserable, so in a way, I felt dead. It was one step closer to being with him again, being dead. It sparks a disturbing thought in my mind of dripping with blood from a self-inflicted wound, right by his gravestone, about to meet death, but I block it away. Don't be so selfish, I thought.

"Hey, Cal, it's me..." It felt weird speaking to him like we were on the phone or chatting over a cup of coffee between shifts. It was consoling in a way, but also extremely depressing, as deep down I knew that none of those things were ever going to happen again.

"I've missed you, lots actually. I went to the funeral...said a whole speech, did you hear it? I hope you liked it. I spent a long time writing it, so you'd better!" I joked awkwardly but immediately felt bad. What if he didn't know I was joking?

"I mean, you don't have to like it at all! Sorry, I'm being stupid. I..I just wanted to say hi." I ended. I was about to stand up again when my legs stayed planted to the ground. I didn't want to leave my brother's side, despite the fact it was pouring with rain and I was shivering with cold. I let out a small sigh which sounded more like a strangled sob. I'd travelled all this way, I'm not going to lose my nerve now.

"Who am I kidding. Cal, I miss you so much. Too much. It hurts to be without you. And I'm really sorry, but I broke your birthday card. I'm sorry." I admitted. It took all my willpower not to cry.

"I hope you're not too mad at me. I'm so mad at myself." I spoke, my voice going wobbly. A throbbing, agonising pain settled in the pit of my stomach, one which plagued me daily. You can't get medicine or surgery for this kind of pain though.

"I went back to work yesterday. Alicia convinced me. She's back, by the way!" I informed him, pushing a smile onto my face and rearranging my glasses. I didn't tell him about the giant argument, getting drunk and breaking down in the car park. He'd probably cringe, knowing Cal. He didn't want to know the ins and outs of my grieving if you can call it that.

I'd call it 'breaking down until there's nothing left of who I once was, becoming a shadow'. Others would call it life.

"I actually like her now. At first, she was a bit too happy, but she's quite lovely." I could almost see his face giving me a soppy smile, and wriggling his eyebrows in a mocking way. I laughed a little, blushing.

"I don't know. If you were here, you'd probably push me to talk to her properly, like you did with Honey. I shouldn't even think about going out with her, though. Not after what happened with you. It'd be wrong to go on a lovely date while you're stuck in heaven, bored out of your mind. Well, I assume you're in heaven. If you've been a good boy, though, you'll be up there with the angels. Stay away from hell, yeah?" I smiled. I felt him grinning down at me.

"I guess I should leave you alone now...But I don't really want to leave you yet. There's not really a lot left to say, but that I miss you loads. You know...I'd do anything to see your stupid face again!" I couldn't help but smile, wiping away a stray tear.

"I'll visit you soon, I promise," I reassured, standing up slowly. I felt pins and needles in most of my body from being in that position for so long. I gave the gravestone one last longing glance before walking away, trudging past all the other ones before leaving through the metal ornate gates.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My half conscious, sleep deprived mind controlled my legs to walk somewhere I hadn't been for so long. The sapphire colored sea slopped over the powdery sand, the waves crashing on the bays loudly. The sky was clearing up, the beautiful sunrise dancing in the sky with graceful colors filling the horizon. I made footprints in the golden colored sand, strolling down to the sea. Children were already rushing through the sand, running down with their little hats on and clutching buckets with mismatched spades, begging for ice cream. The parents looked exhausted, clearly from the losing battle of the children begging to come to the beach and succeeding.

I smiled as their faces lit up with happiness, beginning to make sandcastles and laugh happily when their parents agreed to a swirly ice cream each. It reminded me of innocence, being a kid is the best thing in the world. Being fascinated by everything, having no worries because you'd always have someone with you to make sure you were safe. The only things which threaten children are imaginary monsters under the bed.

When you grow up, they get inside your head. Demons following your every move.

The smile disappeared from my face as I stood by the sea, watching the waves crash over the shore. Even though seagulls are shrieking, children are yelling, cars are driving, and rain is drizzling, it still feels peaceful.

"Hello!" Said a small voice. I turned slightly to see a child, sucking his thumb. He had fluffy brown hair, and a pair of swimming trunks under a dinosaur t-shirt.

"Why are you so sad?" He asked me innocently. I gave the child a small smile.

"You probably shouldn't talk to strangers. They don't really get much stranger than me!" I warned half-heartedly. The boy just laughed.

"What's your name?" He asked me.

"I'm Ethan," I told him, staring out to sea again. He squinted, looking over to where my eyes were staring.

"You like the sea, don't you?" The boy smiled, a gap in his front teeth prominent as he grinned.

"Yes. It reminds me of my brother I guess." I said truthfully. I can still see us running through the waves, laughing and whooping at the top of our lungs. Back in time, when things were tough, but in reality, the struggles we faced were liveable when we were together.

"I have a brother. He's really annoying." The boy sighed.

"I bet you love him really, though," I smirked.

"No! Well, sometimes." He admitted shyly, the tops of his ears turning pink.

"Do me a favor, kid...make sure you tell him that. You never know what you've got until it's all gone." I told him, swallowing hard.

"Everyone always tells me that! They say I'll understand when I'm older, they say that about everything. I can't wait till I'm grown up!" The boy said excitedly.

"Being a kid is the best thing ever, though! Being a grown up sucks sometimes." I said, holding back a sigh.

"I guess. I want to be a firefighter when I'm older, so does my brother. I want to be a hero, like the people in my comics." The boy told me eagerly.

"That sounds really good. I hope you do it." I said honestly. He nodded. There was a small cry coming from the distance. The boy looked alarmed.

"Oh, that's my brother. He's only a baby and gets scared when I'm not there, I need to see him! Bye bye!" The boy gave me one last, precious smile before running across the sand to his oblivious parents and the baby crying on a picnic mat. I watched for a second as he picked up the baby expertly, hugging him and singing softly until the crying stopped. I turned away and stared back out to the sea.

Cal used to be like that boy. The big brother, innocent and smiley with a desire to be a hero, like the brave men you hear stories about.

He was a hero, in the end. It's just a shame he didn't flash a perfectly white smile, flick his red cape and fly away from the explosion, ready to save many others.

I reach into my pocket and pull out my favorite polaroid with Cal as a child on it. I place it close to my heart and try to smile.

He'll always be my hero, even if he doesn't return home from battle.


	9. Disturbed

I apologize for the slow update, I wish I could promise that they'll get faster, but I really can't. I'll do my best to update quicker, though.

 **TW: mention and act of suicide (not by Ethan though, don't worry)**

 **Chapter 9) Disturbed**

It took every single effort to not break down in tears when I saw the red blood dripping from my fingers, staining them. I rinsed it away and watched it swirl down the plug hole, but the sickly aftertaste of memories stayed with me. I closed my eyes and thought back in time.

 **START FLASHBACK**

 _I stood on the top of the hospital, the cold air biting my flesh. I was joined by eighteen-year-old Nicole. She had tears streaming down her cheeks and was wearing a hospital gown. Her long, blonde hair flew out around her head, caught by the wind. Her green eyes shone with undiluted distress, her whole body trembling violently._

 _The girl had been suicidal for three years, and now, she was trying to end it all._

 _A large crowd had gathered underneath us, watching from the car park with anxiety painted on their faces. The last thing I wanted is for the girl to jump, leaving nightmares in the hearts of the watchers._

 _Although, I didn't want her to jump at all. I was desperate to keep her alive and well._

 _I edged closer to the distressed figure of the girl, my lips pursed to voice the words which she'd probably heard a million times before, but I was determined to make these ones count._

 _"Nicole? I'm here to help you, I promise." I called out carefully, making sure I didn't get too close. She took a step over to the edge, making my heart beat a little bit faster._

 _"No, you're not! Everyone says that, but they don't care, not really. Leave me alone and let me do this, please!" She cried, a fresh batch of tears staining her face._

 _Little by little, she got closer to the edge._

 _"Please, step away from the edge. We can talk about this?" I negotiated. I hated the way her face looked so distant as if she was zoned out. As if she was picturing her body as a mangled heap on the floor._

 _"Why?" She yelled brokenly._

 _"There's been too many deaths lately, I won't have you as just another name among many! Believe it or not, I really care. I want you to get down." I told her firmly. Her face twisted, as if she was considering it._

 _And then she just smiled. One, tiny, hopeless smile before it faded to grey. Her demons were displayed on her face._

 _"You can't help me. I'm sorry, Dr. Hardy." She swallowed. I saw her feet scuffle closer to the edge until she was nearly toppling over. I rushed over to catch her, but it was too late._

 _She flew backwards through the air, her hair flying gracefully and her eyes closing shut for the last time. A small gasp escaped my lips as I fell to my knees. Her body hit the ground, a puddle of blood surrounding her._

 _"NO!" I screamed, getting to my feet and running faster than ever before down the steps. The crowd which gathered broke apart when they saw me running, clearly noting that I was a doctor by my scrubs, and I could help._

 _But I couldn't._

 _It was a losing battle. I tried so hard but she was gone._

 _Her face was deathly white, her eyes rolled back and her blonde colored hair stained with red blood. Nicole was dead, and it was all my fault._

 **END FLASHBACK**

I barely realized I was crying until I felt the hotness of tears rolling down my face. I still felt the guilt plagued inside of me. She was so young, it was a dismal thought that she was never going to wake up. I sighed deeply, applying more soap to my blood-stained hands. Still, it's just another day in Holby City ED. Although it often feels like you lose more than you gain.

In a horrible, awful, twisted way, I felt almost jealous. Her pain was over. Mine was still continuing. Stop it, Ethan, I thought, scratching down my arms deeply. I deserved the hurting sensation that flooded through my veins. It was the least I deserved.

I dried my hands roughly, wiping my eyes and chucking myself back onto the staff room sofa. That was when I noticed my scrub top. It had a large stain of more blood on it. I was beginning to feel sick. Charlie walked in nonchalantly.

"Evening," Charlie greeted. I offered him a small smile. He must have sensed something was up.

"What's wrong?" He asked gently. I couldn't meet his eyes.

"Suicidal patient. She died. She was only just a girl, really. Why does everyone die?" I sighed yet again. Charlie nodded, sitting beside me.

"Only the good die young," He said thoughtfully. I cast my mind back to Cal. Yeah, that's true. Although my big brother wasn't always good. I sniffed and stood up, giving Charlie a tiny but grateful smile which said so much, leaving the staff room.

I dodged the concerned glances of everyone in the hospital who had witnessed the whole incident earlier. I only kept a small smile on my face to content them all.

Connie was heading over to the reception desk, same as me, crossing her arms and glancing over us all. She hadn't seemed to notice my presence.

"We're in need of a doctor to head over to a block of flats. Multiple burns victims after a large fire." She stated as every hospital worker looked over. Lily looked like she was about to say something, but I quickly stepped in.

It was like deja vu. I wasn't going to let anyone else put themselves at risk, especially not Lily.

We hadn't been very close lately since Alicia had arrived, but I still had a deep sense of care for the young woman.

"I'll go," I offered. Several eyes plastered onto me. Connie looked quite alarmed.

"I hardly think that's appropriate," She cautioned gently. I just smiled nonchalantly.

"I'll be fine," I reassured.

Then I remembered.

 _"Relax, dork, I'll be fine!"_ Cal's last words to me.

"I mean, I'll be...okay," I switched quickly. She gave me a confused look, but it melted away.

"If you're very sure,"

"Completely."

"Go and get changed then, Iain's meeting you by the ambulance bay," I obeyed her command immediately, rushing off to get changed.

At least this way, if I got hurt, I'd get to be with my brother again.

It disturbed me how much I wouldn't mind if anything did happen.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I sat in the back of the ambulance, latching onto the handles as the vehicle tossed and bumped across the roads. I was doing my best to control my breathing as for whatever reason my throat had gone tight. I screwed my eyes closed.

"Stop it!" I hissed to myself angrily. I swallowed and leaned back onto the seat and waited in anticipation. The butterflies inside my stomach were no longer butterflies, but eagles storming around inside of me. Unexpectedly, the ambulance came to an abrupt stop.

"For goodness sake, Jez! This is the last time I let you drive!" Iain said bitterly, as Jez laughed.

"Sorry, I forgot that you were so old. I hope I haven't broken your hip, grandpa," Jez retorted, causing a small smile to spread across my face. We got out of the ambulance and the mood disappeared.

A large fire was outside of a block of flats, embers of orange fiery flames flying through the air. The ground was blackened, and the odd possession was burnt and disintegrated. I couldn't help but sidle up to Iain, who looked in a trance.

"Iain?" I asked quietly. Iain turned quickly.

"You sure you're up to this, kid?" Iain inquired. I gave him a knowing look.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," I commented. He gave me the same look, as we smiled despite everything. Jez rolled his eyes.

"Just kiss already!" The young paramedic exclaimed cheekily, grabbing his backpack and rushing off to the firefighters. I couldn't help but smile even though the butterlies in my stomach were fluttering faster than ever. Iain gave me a pat on the shoulder and took the lead. I followed behind and kept my eyes on the fire.

You never know when it's going to explode, after all.


	10. The Easy Way Out

I need to give you a **TW for distressing content, depressing thoughts, and most importantly, attempted suicide. If any of these things trigger you, please, don't read.**

I feel sorry for Ethan, but I can reassure you, he'll find his way out of his depression in the end.

 **Chapter 10) The Easy Way Out**

I can do it. I know I can. I took a step closer to the crowd of onlookers, shrieks and cries coming through. Several burns victims were sat in ambulances, and I could see Iain escorting one lady with a large gash on her face to the ambulance.

Then it happened. A giant rumble rang through the air, and then the flames flew. I watched in pure horror as something exploded, ashes flying and bright orange flames licked the ground. The firefighters were fighting to put it out, and were luckily succeeding. The crowd was thinning as people rushed away, suddenly realizing that this fire was too dangerous for them to be near, and maybe it wasn't worth risking death just to post a picture on social media.

I saw the flames dancing around, and wanted nothing more than to just walk through them. Feel the fire lick my body until it blackened, and make me fall to the floor in a crumpled heap. I had tears in my eyes from the heat of fire rushing through the air, even though I wasn't anywhere near it.

"Ethan!" Iain yelled, dashing over to a man who'd collapsed. I tried to move but I couldn't.

My legs were glued to the floor. I attempted to shout but the words were a tangle in my throat. I wanted to scream, yell, and cry, but I could barely breathe anymore.

My throat was getting tighter and my heart raced. The flames continued to leap around in the air, water drenching it and men shouting orders to others. I felt shooting pains down my legs as if I'd been impaled with several bullets.

I fell to the floor.

So much fire, everywhere. Everything is overwhelming and I can't breathe, I can't do this. Why did I come? My throat is closed and I'm gasping for air, my eyes full of terrified tears. I want to help everyone but I can't do that if I can't even breathe.

I shakily get to my feet, only to collapse again. Tears stream down my cheeks and so many thoughts were rushing about inside my head.

Cal's here with me, he's in the fire, smiling. He's disappearing, flickering, I want him with me. I want his arms around me, so he can help me breathe. Suddenly, something grasps my throat and I can't breathe. Black spots feel my vision and I'm tumbling, tumbling, tumbling…

I can see people watching me, alarmed and horror painted on their faces. I see Jez running over, attempting to comfort me, but nothing's working.

I get to my feet and run away, far from this place, I'm not coming back. I stumble and trip but I run, getting faster with each passing second. I need to get away from the fire. I can't do this anymore.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I sob helplessly, pressed against a wall in an alley somewhere. I hit my head on the brick, pain shooting through my body but I don't mind it. The pain is welcoming.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Not only have my actions backfired horribly, but I've probably put several lives at risk. One doctor down at the flat, they'll have to call another. I can't go back and help anyone.

I really don't want to do it anymore. Words are swirling around my head but I can't make sense of any of them. I want my brother with me. So I'm going to get him.

I stumble to the ground of the graveyard, passing through the familiar ornate gates and trudging past all of the other gravestones. The yard is a mess of greys and greens through my fogged up glasses, and all I can hear is the noise of my ugly sobs. I arrive at his gravestone, dropping to my knees and collapsing.

"Ohh, Cal...I don't know what I've done!" I whimpered tearfully. I wrapped my arms around the stone and embraced the cold feeling against my chest. I rested my chin on it even though it was scratching and uncomfortable.

"I've messed up; again. I can't be alone anymore!" I sobbed bitterly. I hated the sound of my own voice. It sounded broken and pathetic.

"I want to be with you again," I admitted softly. I stroke the stone lovingly.

But the touch of a stone can't compare to the feeling of his arms around me.

Which is all I want.

I reach into my green paramedic suit to grab something cold and silvery.

The pair of scissors rested in my hands, the metal glinting with the sun hitting it. I let it pierce my skin of my thumb, watching as it bled and the beautiful red liquid seeped from it. I almost smiled.

It's what I've always thought of as 'The Easy Way Out'. It seems that way to me.

But I don't care anymore. I'm sick of trying. I want out, and I want it now.

I place the metal against my wrist. One deep cut and it's all over. All my pain, all my suffering, gone. The others in the ED pop up in my mind, could I leave them behind?

Don't think about that, I thought.

Think about how good it's going to feel when my skin is sliced, blood dripping, and I breathe my last breathe. How good it'll feel when everything is gone.

In a year they'll forget I'm gone. I never wanted to leave a legacy anyway. I don't want to leave even a footprint.

It's going to really hurt them all. They'll hate themselves and want me back. They might even cry at night, because the thought of me never coming back is haunting. Same way I cry about Cal. I don't want to give them that pain, but I don't want to continue.

Two choices. Die or live. Die a peaceful death, or live a life which is full of hurt and tears, something which feels like a living hell.

I've already selected the choice. I hate the answer, it burns like neon lights flashing in my head. I'll never block it out, I know that now.

There's something so amazing about watching yourself bleed.

I smiled. I want to bleed. I really do.

"I'm sorry, Cal." I whispered softly. The blade looks so beautiful. I want nothing more than to drag it across my skin.

I lean back onto the gravestone, holding out my wrist. With one brutal sweep, my wrist is cut open and blood pours everywhere. I feel agony flow through my veins, the pain unbearable, but deep down I know it'll all be over soon.

I breathe deeply, resting my bleeding wrist against the gravestone so it dripped red down it. Streaks stained the stone, resting in the cracks and the engraved writing.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, my eyes fluttering and my head spinning. I slumped even more down the stone, all energy drained from my body. One last sentence escapes my lips.

"I'm coming with you, Cal."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Iain couldn't believe it. His heart had completely stopped when he'd saw the state Ethan was in earlier, tear stained and panting for air. He'd been too busy trying to help someone else breathe to rush over, and Jez wasn't much use.

Iain trudged along the path of slabs, keeping his eye out. He'd volunteered to look for Ethan, as the site where he'd previously been working was all fine. There had been no casualties and the fire was gone.

The gate of the graveyard swung open, revealing the masses of grave stones adorning the grass. Iain had a horrible feeling in his stomach, knowing he needed to find Ethan as soon as possible, and this was the place he'd probably go. To see his brother.

Iain held back the lump in his throat. Graveyards were such dismal places. He squinted across the grass until he spotted a figure slumped across a stone. He could see something shining with the figure, something metal and-

It was a knife. The figure was holding a knife, which was covered in unmistakable blood. It made him feel sick to the stomach.

Iain ran to the stone, and felt tears spring to his eyes. Ethan was sitting limply against the gravestone, clutching his wrist. Iain could see the blood pouring from the wound and dropped by the younger man.

"Oh my God...Ethan…" Iain whispered, quickly springing into action.

He was determined to keep this person alive this time.


	11. Close to Tears

I decided to torture you all just a little bit more with this chapter, just to get an insight into how the others are feeling, and leave you in suspense!

Just to warn you, we're nearing the end of the story :'(

 **Chapter 11) Close to Tears**

The red phone began to ring, the sound vibrating through the air. Every doctor and nurse shared the same expression; horror. Whenever the red phone rang, it was sure to mean extremely bad news. Charlie walked over as nobody seemed to react, picking up the device and speaking into it. His face showed a look of distress.

"Alright, yes...thanks Iain," Charlie placed the phone back down, unable to control the noticeable tremor in his hands. He took a moment to regain composure before calling everyone around to gather him by Admin. Anxiety was painted on their faces, as they could sense the atmosphere was rather frosty and nervous.

"Right, I've just got a call from one of our paramedics...it seems that one of our doctors has gone missing. He's yet to be found, but the good news is that the flat fire they were at has gone down and there were no casualties," Charlie filled them in briefly. Lily stepped forward.

"Sorry, Charlie, who's gone missing?" She asked. Charlie looked down at the floor, taking a second. Then he spoke.

"I'm afraid it's Dr. Hardy. Ethan's missing."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next few hours were complete chaos. Everyone was so preoccupied with worry that they were struggling to do their jobs, especially Lily, Charlie and even Alicia. The enthusiasm had been wiped from everyone as now they were struggling to do even the simplest task. Luckily, there had been no casualties and resus had been unoccupied, so there were no times when a patient was at risk. In fact, most of the cases they'd had today had been pretty straightforward.

However, when Lily accidentally spilled her fifth coffee everywhere and burned herself, she was allowed a break. The doctor rushed into the staff room, collapsing onto the sofa. Alicia followed, switching on the kettle. Tea always helped, she decided. Still, it couldn't fix everything. She had butterflies inside her stomach from the anxiety she felt, and it showed.

"I just can't process it. Where would he go? He said he'd be fine!" Alicia rambled nervously, adding too much sugar and tea bags into the mugs. Lily shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ears, agitated.

"I don't know…" Lily trailed off. Alicia's face showed concern for her colleague. She sat beside her, placing a friendly hand on her shoulder. She kept a small smile on her face despite the gloomy and scared feelings she had inside.

"Ethan'll be okay. He wouldn't do anything stupid," Alicia reassured. Lily nodded a little too vigorously, attempting to smile.

"He's a good friend," Lily commented. Alicia smirked a little.

"Just a good friend?" The blonde responded. Lily gave her a watery smile.

"Definitely just as good friend. It's you he likes," Lily said nonchalantly. Alicia's face showed complete shock, but also a glow of happiness.

"What? Really? That's great! Oh, Lily..." She said, grinning. Lily nodded, smiling. The two women began giggling, despite everything going on. It felt good to laugh. They kept laughing, even though nothing was really funny. It turned into hysterical chuckles, too over the top to be real.

When Charlie entered, they stopped abruptly. He entered slowly, hesitant to come in at first.

"Any news?" Lily blurted. They waited in suspense while Charlie struggled to spit out the words.

"H...He's been found…" Charlie said, his eyes wide and watery. Alicia beamed.

"Oh, that's fantastic! Isn't it, Lily?" Alicia said cheerily. Lily didn't smile back. She stood up and put her hand on Charlie's shoulder.

"That's not all, is it?" Lily said knowingly, unable to control the shake in her voice. Charlie shook his head gently. Alicia's smile faded.

"It looks like...he's tried to take his own life," Charlie choked out. The women shared horrified looks, and it seemed as though everything turned black and white.


	12. Locked Out Of Heaven

This is quite a strange chapter, and I guess kinda confusing. Is it a dream, or reality? Is he going to live or die? Let's find out :)

 **Chapter 12) Locked Out Of Heaven**

I entered a halo of light, blinking rapidly to glance around my new surroundings. Everything was white, almost idyllic. I glanced down at my feet to see more graceful white swirling around me. I couldn't remember anything from before, nor did I want to. All I could do was just stand and gape in astonishment at the place surrounding me.

"Ethan?" Spoke a voice. It was recognizable, one which I always heard in my head, but it sounded shocked. Almost scared, worried.

I turned to see the face of Cal.

"C-cal…" I whispered, completely gobsmacked. He was still wearing the same clothes I last saw him in, green overalls when he was leaving with the paramedics, but he was covered in ash and blood. His face was bruised and cut, and blood was stained on his body.

I barely cared about his messy and rugged appearance.

I ran forward and threw myself in his arms, sobbing quietly into his chest. It felt so good to be in his embrace. He smelt like him, but with a small scent of fire and metallic blood also. That was okay.

"Woah, easy!" Cal laughed, wrapping his arms around me too.

"I thought you were dead!" I smiled. His arms drooped.

"Yeah...I still am dead. I died in the explosion, Eth, you know that," Cal corrected me sadly. I broke apart from him, even though I'd be more than happy to let him hold me forever.

"Well, of you're dead, how am I with you?" I asked, watching him pale. Cal looked somber all of a sudden, his face completely devastated.

"It must mean that you're dead too,"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Come on, Ethan!" Panted Connie breathlessly, continuing to treat her colleague with tears in her eyes. Things were looking pretty grim at the moment, but she wasn't about to lose another member of her beloved team. Not today, not ever again. Lily burst in, tear stained and shaking with worry.

"Why isn't he waking up?" The doctor shouted hysterically, having to be hushed by Alicia, who rushed in quickly. The two women stood by the door, watching in horror as nothing seemed to work. It was hopeless, and everyone knew it.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We sat on a bench somewhere in a peaceful garden, enjoying each others company. I didn't want to leave his side for even a second, scared I'll turn around and I'll be alone again.

"So...I'm dead, then." I sighed. Cal nodded.

"You might be. What happened? You're wearing overalls like me!" Cal said, pointing out the clothes. Then he spotted the large slit across his younger brothers wrist, dried blood surrounding it.

"You didn't…" Cal breathed, burying his head in his hands. I felt extremely guilty, about to place my hand on his shoulder when he shook it off. That broke my heart a little bit more.

"I don't want to be without you anymore! I just wanted to join you!" I cried helplessly. Cal shook his head.

"It's selfish. Why would you do that?" Cal exclaimed, getting up. He turned away, fast disappearing into the distance. I quickly ran after him, speeding so I reached his side.

"Please, don't leave me! I've come all this way just to be with you!" I sobbed, tears streaming down my face. Cal stopped, turning to look at me.

"Ethan, you're so young. You have so much more life left to live. I don't care how, but you're going back home!"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Charlie poured a coffee with trembling hands, nearly spilling the boiling water everywhere. He figured it was best to distract himself from what was going on in resus. He was sick with worry for the young man currently on a hospital bed, fighting for his life. Well, the team was fighting for it. Ethan had been half awake, half asleep, muttering small words like a conversation inside his head. It was weird.

Charlie leaped backwards when he spilt his coffee on the floor, groaning from the sudden and painful movement, his back cracking slightly.

His hands were trembling too much.

He buried his head in his hands and exhaled. Ethan was the only thought on his mind right now. Poor kid.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I wiped my tearful eyes, looking back at my brother who was equally as tearstained. I'd just found my brother again, after so long of pining.

And he doesn't want me.

I love him, so much. I want to be with him like we used to be. I sob harder, trying to control myself, but it's impossible. It hurts.

He suddenly rushed forward, scooping me up into a tight embrace. I felt him shaking slightly.

"Sorry I had a go," He whispered, stroking my hair. I feel relieved, but still hurt.

"It's okay," I reassured, my words a little muffled and hiccupy from the amount I'd been crying. It wasn't okay, of course, but anything to make him happy and not upset with me.

"I've missed you loads. I liked it when you visited me, at the graveyard, y'know?" Cal smiled. We broke away as I looked at him in sheer amazement.

"Y-you heard me?" I smiled.

"Only a little bit, it was very muffled. You were quite awkward, as usual. It was nice to hear your voice though," Cal smiled back at the memory. I blushed a little.

"That's good. I missed you too, actually." I told him. He nodded.

"I can tell," Cal said a little smugly. I shoved him jokingly, but gently.

Unexpectedly, I heard the noise of gates opening. I turned to see large, ornate gates in the beautiful, white cloudy garden we were in. Cal gave me a sad look.

"You have to go! You're being given a second chance. You can still stay alive if you exit through those gates but it has to be now," Cal told me. I immediately shook my head.

"No! I want to stay with you! I can't lose you, not again!" I begged, clutching his arm. Cal held my hand.

"I know you do. If I could, I'd go with you, but I can't. Live your life, and remember me, alright?" Cal told me. I felt tears making their way down my cheeks.

"I really love you…" I whispered, leaning against him. He hugged me tightly, clearly trying to muffle his sobs.

"I love you even more. Please. Do this for me?" Cal told me earnestly when we'd pulled away, his blue eyes filling with tears. I bit my lip, tasting blood.

"I...I guess so…" I murmured, my voice trembling and shaking. Cal stroked my cheek lovingly.

"Atta boy, nibbles!" He beamed, sighing softly. I gave him a watery smile.

"I'm going to make you proud, you'll see." I told him, even though I was uncertain. Cal gave me a heartwarming grin.

"I know you will. It's time to go." Cal told me softly. I nodded. We held hands, entwining our fingers. He pressed a small kiss to my forehead, giving me one last smile before I turned away. I kept walking, looking back once. He stood, watching me leave, full of pride.

"Love you!" I heard from the distance. I turned quickly, only to see he was gone. Suddenly, I was falling downwards, rushing through the air. I closed my eyes shut, letting myself go.

I have to move on. For him. For my big brother.

Time to make him proud.


	13. Making him Proud

**Chapter 13) Making Him Proud**

I opened my eyes slowly, taking in the environment around me. The room was stacked with medical supplies, and several monitors and drips were attached to me, beeping steadily. I fought against the overpowering sensation of desperately needing to sleep, deciding to stay awake this time.

"Ah, you're back with us," A familiar voice said. I saw Connie smiling gladly over my bedside, joined by Charlie who looked quite glad I was awake.

"Had us worried there for a second, kiddo." Charlie said, perhaps a little shakily, walking over to the bed and holding the rails, as if he might fall over if he didn't have an iron grip.

"S-sorry…" I whispered softly.

"We know," Connie said.

"You've got visitors by the looks of it," Charlie commented, gesturing to the door. I dragged my eyes over to the way he was looking to see Lily and Alicia standing there, Alicia's arm on Lily's shoulder comfortingly. I couldn't help but feel a small surge of happiness I was still here, alive and kicking. It wasn't something I thought I'd feel, but it was there all the same.

How could I even think about leaving these people?

Lily entered as Connie and Charlie left, giving me lingering glances. She threw her arms around me, as I tried to hug her back, but felt too weak.

"Glad you're okay," She said, muffled by my shoulder which her head was resting on.

"So am I," I said truthfully. She broke apart from me, wiping her eyes quickly and tucking her hair behind her ears. We shared a smile. Her eyes wandered to my wound, luckily bandaged and not bleeding anymore. Some blood still remained, but it was a scarce amount.

"Why did you do it?" She asked. I gave her a sad smile.

"I...guess I just lost sight of the road ahead for a little while. I didn't think I could go on anymore." I said, my throat aching from the words which had been tangled for up so long. It was nice to share them with someone who would hopefully get it.

"How about now, though?" She inquired, worry flooding her tone.

"I know now that death isn't as appealing as it first was. I'd rather be here." I said firmly. Even if it means I can't be with my big brother.

"Good," She smiled, clearly pleased and relieved. I heard a small noise so I turned my head to investigate it. Alicia was entering, giving me a nervous smile. I returned it. Lily looked a little smug for some reason, giving my hand a squeeze and then leaving the room. I was left alone with Alicia.

"Hey...how are you feeling?" She asked, perhaps a little anxiously.

"Bit better," I reassured. She nodded gladly, perching on the edge of the bed.

"That's great! Really good." She smiled. We sat in silence for moment, until I got a sudden surge of confidence. I took her hand to her surprise.

"Would you mind if...when I'm better, I mean...Um….would you like to go to dinner, o-or something? I mean, you don't have to-" I was cut off by a small kiss on the forehead.

"I would love to," She grinned.

I swear I heard Cal up in Heaven in that moment, clapping smugly. I was determined to keep my promise.


	14. I'll Never Forget You

**Chapter 14) I'll Never Forget You**

I sighed a little as I traced the writing on my wrist. It was neat, delicately inked. It covered up my scar from about six years ago.

 _1985-2016_

It was the birthdate and death date of Cal, a way of remembering him and forgetting the pain I'd inflicted across my wrist.

It looked perfect. I smiled at it. The decision of the tattoo was probably the best I'd made. Well, nearly the best decision ever.

I was disturbed by a small pat on the back.

"You ready to go?" asked the soft and gently voice, belonging to my wife. She's definitely a good example for one of my best things in life. Her eyes were blue and wide with concern, her hair blonde and tucked behind her ears.

"I'm good to go, Alicia." I smiled, as she returned it. I followed her out of our bedroom, being greeted by our two children, all dressed and ready.

Caleb's the oldest at five years old, dressed in a jumper and his favorite dinosaur jeans. His blond hair is all messy across his forehead, in need of a trim, but he looks sweet. His brown eyes are full of innocence.

Emilie's our youngest at three years old, wearing her flower patterned skirt and not so coordinating minnie mouse t-shirt. Her golden colored hair is in a lopsided ponytail, and her blue eyes are big and beautiful, just like her mother's. I beam at them both.

"Come on then, let's go!" Alicia smiled, taking her youngest's hand and walking down the hallway. Caleb and I follow, leaving out the front door and locking it behind us.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I sit with my wife on the sand, who plays with it childishly, barely caring if it goes up her nails. I keep my eyes on our children, who are busy fishing for crabs. I can't help but laugh as Caleb chases Emilie with one, giggling loudly as she shrieks.

"Cal, don't scare your sister, she won't like it!" I called over, as Caleb shrugged.

"I'm not scaring her!" Caleb exclaimed defiantly. They both come over, the small crab in the palm of Caleb's hand.

"You like crabs?" Caleb smirked. I get to my feet as he comes closer.

"Cal, be careful with that...CRAB!" I shrieked accidentally as he begins to chase me with it, running away down the sand. Alicia snorted with laughter, placing Emilie onto her lap.

"They're not normal, are they?" Alicia smiled, as her daughter grinned. I can't hear their conversation, the wind roaring in my ears as I run across the sand away from my son, cackling with laughter. Then he lets out a small noise of pain.

"It pinched me!" Caleb yelled, dropping it onto the sand. I walk over cautiously.

"Crabs do that," I smiled, perhaps a little smugly. It's easy to forget that you're an adult at times.

"He was a bad crab," Caleb said, walking with me back to the others. I plant myself back down onto the sand, sighing. Emilie gave me a look.

"Why did you make a sad noise?" She asked, patting the sand as she tried to make a sandcastle, which tumbled down.

"I'm...I'm not," I said. She flicked sand at me.

"Did the crab bite?" she asked innocently. I shook my head.

"No, honey. I just remember coming down here with my brother," I said, as she smiled with remembrance. I'd told them many stories about us as kids and our antics, and some more from when we were older. He was just a fairytale to the children.

"Oh yeah! He chased you with a crab as well! And I'm called the same name as him," Caleb grinned. I nodded.

"Yep, that's right!" I smiled, remembering the day when he chased me across the beach with the crab, and we ran into the sea a few weeks later together. I could still hear my older brothers laughter, but it didn't sadden me like it used to.

"We came down to this beach a lot as kids, and a few times as adults. We came here with our mum as well," I told them. Alicia squeezed up closer to me, wrapping her arm around me tightly.

"It's also the place where me and daddy got married," Alicia smiled, twirling her ring around her finger.

"That's cool! I want to get married here. It's pretty," Emilie commented. We stayed staring out at the sea, all sat on the sand peacefully. The atmosphere was happy, the seagulls squawking and the sea crashing over the sand. It was silent and calming.

Of course it was Caleb who broke the silence, forever being like his namesake uncle.

"Can we get chips?" He asked randomly. I gave him a small smile.

"Alright then. Come on, let's go to the shop!" I said, getting up. We all walked through the sand together.

I feel happy. Happier than I've ever been. This place is full of memories, but to be honest, they don't hurt anymore. I want to remember him.

I've got an amazing wife, a pair of lovely children, a brilliant network of friends, a new job as a consultant in the same hospital, and we're all happy. We say that we love each other everyday, and that's important. I've learned to appreciate things way more.

It was only six years ago when I was trying to take my own life, trapped in a never ending hole of depression and grief.

But that's no way to live.

I'm making my big brother proud. I know I am.

Thank you for being my brother, Cal. You were the best one I could've ever asked for. I'm never going to forget about you, not ever. I've loved and lost you, but the love will always be unconditional.

The End

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 **That's it! The end of Explosions, all written and printed down. Thank you to everyone who has favorited, followed, liked and reviewed, I'm grateful for your support and love. It would take me a while to write all the names down!**

 **I hope the ending is satisfactory. Ethan is finally living his life and being happy. His life has been turned around. He'll never forget his big brother.**

 **Feel free to review for the last chapter of this story, folks. Again, thank you for the interest and kindness. I may write a few fluffy oneshots, as I ship Etica SO bad and Daddy Ethan is the cutest thing ever for me, but it depends on what you guys want.**

 **Until next time, lovely readers! xxx**


End file.
